Click Here for a nice piece from Baxter Black on America.
Thanks for All your Submissions - Keep in mind, some of this stuff may be more appropriate for Adults - So be advised before you proceed! If you have something you'd like to share, drop me a b mail to neal@b93.com
Check some of this stuff out:
UPDATED EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK
DRESS CODE It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada shoes, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be andtherefore you do not need a raise.
SICK DAYS We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
PERSONAL DAYS Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
RESTROOM USE Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time lim it in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'ChronicOffenders' category.
LUNCH BREAK Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.
With Gas Prices - Here's a vacation Idea!
Here's some new stuff for Today:
Check out Autumn - Nice Catch!
Thanks to Rhonda for this - Will this be your next tatoo:
Check out this BAD Joke - Reese?
WHY WE LOVE OLDER PEOPLE
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry all of his purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, "Put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand."
"Why, thank you very much" he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to def end me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
PLUS - How about this at your Next BBQ - Might be a REAL BLAST!
The Rules of Rural Michigan are as Follows:
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked.
3. Let's get this straight; it's called a 'dirt road'. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Get out of the way!
4. To us they are cattle. Think of them as live steaks. They smell funny to you, but they smell like money to us. Get over it.
5. We're not impressed that you have a $60,000 car. We have $150,000 corn pickers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
6. Every person in rural Michigan waves at you. We think of it as being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and 3 does are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. Yeah, we eat taters & gravy, beans & cornbread. We fry our fish after catchin' 'em. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the 15th of November.
10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.
11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.
12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats (includes fish), vegetables, and breads. We use four spices: salt, pepper, hot sauce and ketchup. Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!
13. You bring 'coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.
14. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
15.College & High School Football is as important here as the Lions or Tigers, & a dang site more fun to watch.
16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.
17. Colleges? We have them all over. We have StateUniversities, Community Colleges, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come home for the holidays.
18. We have a whole ton of folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. Plus we have the Michigan Militia! So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.
19. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers. Refer back to #1.
20. Four inches of snow isn't a blizzard - it's a flurry. Drive like you got some sense in it, and DON'T take all our bread, milk, and toilet paper from the grocery stores. This ain't Alaska! Worst case, you may have to live a whole day without croissants. The pickups with snow blades will have you out the next day.
21. I-94 goes east and west, I-75 goes north and south. Pick one.
W/ Jessica Simpson
HANDBAGS
It's not always the 'restaurant food' that causes stomach distress.
Sometimes "what you don't know 'will' hurt you"!
Read on...
Mom got so upset when guests came in the door and plopped their handbags down on the counter where she was cooking or setting up food. She always said that handbags are really dirty, because of where they have been. Smart Mom!!!
It's something just about every woman carries with them. While we may know what's inside our handbags, do you have any idea what's on the outside? Women carry handbags everywhere; from the office to public toilets to the floor of the car. Most women won't be caught without their handbags, but did you ever stop to think about where your handbag goes during the day.
"I drive a school bus, so my handbag has been on the floor of the bus a lot," says one woman. "On the floor of my car, and in toilets." "I put my handbag in grocery shopping carts, on the floor of the toilet," says another woman "and of course in my home which should be clean."
We decided to find out if handbags harbour a lot of bacteria. We learned how to test them at Nelson Laboratories in Salt Lake, and then we set out to test the average woman's handbag. Most women told us they didn't stop to think about what was on the bottom of their handbag. Most said at home they usually set their handbags on top of kitchen tables and counters where food is prepared.
Most of the ladies we talked to told us they wouldn't be surprised if their handbags were at least a little bit dirty. It turns out handbags are so surprisingly dirty, even the microbiologist who tested them was shocked.
Microbiologist Amy Karen of Nelson Labs says nearly all of the handbags tested were not only high in bacteria, but high in harmful kinds of bacteria. Pseudomonas can cause eye infections, staphylococcus aurous can cause serious skin infections, and salmonella and e-coli found on the handbags could make people very sick. In one sampling, four of five handbags tested positive for salmonella, and that's not the worst of it. "There is fecal contamination on the handbags," says Amy. Leather or vinyl handbags tended to be cleaner than cloth handbags, and lifestyle seemed to play a role. People with kids tended to have dirtier handbags than those without, with one exception. The handbag of one single woman who frequented nightclubs had one of the worst contaminations of all. "Some type of feces, or possibly vomit" says Amy.
So the moral of this story - your handbag won't kill you, but it does have the potential to make you very sick if you keep it on places where you eat. Use hooks to hang your handbag at home and in toilets, and don't put it on your desk, a restaurant table, or on your kitchen countertop.
Experts say you should think of your handbag the same way you would a pair of shoes. "If you think about putting a pair of shoes onto your countertops, that's the same thing you're doing when you put your handbag on the countertops" - your handbag has gone where individuals before you have sneezed, coughed, spat, urinated, emptied bowels, etc!
Do you really want to bring that home with you? The microbiologists at Nelson also said cleaning a handbag will help. Wash cloth handbags and use leather cleaner to clean the bottom of leather handbags.
CHECK OUT BEHIND THE SCENES FOOTAGE AN THE MAKING OF KENNY CHESNEY'S LATEST COMMERCIAL, WHICH INCLUDES "OLD BLUE CHAIR"
CONGRATS TO PHIL AND SHARON KEEGAN WINNERS OF THE B93 CONTEST TO GO TO NASHVILLE AND DO SOME COOKIN' WITH TRISHA YEARWOOD!
KENNY CHESNEY "OUCH" VIDEO!
101 TAX QUOTES!
1. The only difference between a taxman and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
-- Mark Twain
2. The most important ways in which I think the Internet will affect the big issue is that it will make it more difficult for government to collect taxes.
-- Milton Friedman
3. Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag.
-- Jay Leno
4. It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta.
-- Dave Barry
5. There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him.
-- Robert A. Heinlein
6. I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money.
-- Arthur Godfrey
7. Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.
-- H. L. Mencken
8. [On completing tax returns].This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher
-- Albert Einstein
9. The point to remember is that what the government gives it must first take away.
-- John S. Coleman
10. Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today.
-- Herman Wouk
11. America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation.
-- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
12. Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay.
-- Milton Friedman
13. The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that carries any reward.
-- John Maynard Keynes
14. There is no such thing as a good tax.
-- Winston Churchill
15. The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.
-- Will Rogers
16. When there is an income tax, the just man will pay more and the unjust less on the same amount of income.
-- Plato
17. The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
-- Albert Einstein
18. To force a man to pay for the violation of his own liberty is indeed an addition of insult to injury.
-- Benjamin Tucker
19. The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets.
-- Will Rogers
20. The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination.
-- Ronald Reagan
21. Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss.
-- Robert A. Heinlein
22. We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
-- Winston Churchill
23. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
-- G. Gordon Liddy
24. The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government.
-- Barry Goldwater
25. Collecting more taxes than is absolutely necessary is legalized robbery.
-- Calvin Coolidge
26. There's nothing wrong with the younger generation that becoming taxpayers won't cure.
-- Dan Bennett
27. There may be liberty and justice for all, but there are tax breaks only for some.
-- Martin A. Sullivan
28. Taxes grow without rain.
-- Jewish Proverb
29. The same prudence which in private life would forbid our paying our own money for unexplained projects, forbids it in the dispensation of the public monies.
-- Thomas Jefferson
30. The principle involved here is time-honored and true: and that is it's your money.
-- Robert Dole
31. The purpose of a tax cut is to leave more money where it belongs: in the hands of the working men and working women who earned it in the first place.
-- Robert Dole
32. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
-- G. Gordon Liddy
33. Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!’
-- Rob Knauerhase
34. I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged.
-- Roger Jones
35. The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing.
-- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
36. It would be a hard government that should tax its people one-tenth part of their income.
-- Benjamin Franklin
37. I like to pay taxes. It is purchasing civilization.
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes
38. We don't have a trillion-dollar debt because we haven't taxed enough; we have a trillion-dollar debt because we spend too much.
-- Ronald Reagan
39. Fear is the tax that conscience pays to guilt.
-- Howard Aiken
40. The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax.
-- Lord Thomas Robert Dewar
41. In levying taxes and in shearing sheep it is well to stop when you get down to the skin.
-- Austin O'Malley
42. The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall.
-- Denis Healey
43. I wouldn't mind paying taxes… if I knew they were going to a friendly country.
-- Dick Gregory
44. If Thomas Jefferson thought taxation without representation was bad, he should see how it is with representation.
-- Rush Limbaugh
45. Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is quite as satisfying as an income tax refund.
-- F. J. Raymond
46. Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.
-- Oscar Wilde
47. If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.
-- Will Rogers
48. When there's a single thief, it's robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it's taxation.
-- Vanya Cohen
49. Taxation with representation ain't so hot either.
-- Gerald Barzan
50. Taxes, after all, are dues that we pay for the privileges of membership in an organized society.
-- Franklin D. Roosevelt
51. Few of us ever test our powers of deduction, except when filling out an income tax form.'
-- Laurence J. Peter
52. The United States has a system of taxation by confession.
-- Hugo Black
53. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?
-- Peg Bracken
54. We must care for each other more, and tax each other less.
-- Bill Archer
55. What at first was plunder assumed the softer name of revenue.
-- Thomas Paine
56. Man is not like other animals in the ways that are really significant: animals have instincts, we have taxes.
-- Erving Goffman
57. The purse of the people is the real seat of sensibility. Let it be drawn upon largely, and they will then listen to truths which could not excite them through any other organ.
-- Thomas Jefferson
58. Today, it takes more brains and effort to make out the income-tax form than it does to make the income.
-- Alfred E. Neuman
59. Taxes are paid in the sweat of every man who labors.
-- Franklin D. Roosevelt
60. I am thankful for the taxes I pay because it means that I'm employed.
-- Nancie J. Carmody
61. It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for.
-- Will Rogers
62. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
-- Ronald Reagan
63. Any tax is a discouragement and therefore a regulation so far as it goes.
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
64. The payment of taxes gives a right to protection.
-- James M. Wayne
65. If we don't do something to simplify the tax system, we're going to end up with a national police force of internal revenue agents.
-- Leon Panetta
66. Two years ago it was impossible to get through on the phone to the IRS. Now it's just hard to get through. That's progress.
-- Charles Rossotti, former IRS Commissioner
67. I owe the government $3,400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a toilet seat.
-- Michael McShane
68. I cannot undertake to lay my finger on that article of the Constitution which granted a right to Congress of expending, on objects of benevolence, the money of their constituents...
-- James Madison
69. Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose you more money than any single person in your life, with the possible exception of your kids.
-- Harvey Mackay
70. On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are blind.' I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away.
-- Tom Lehrer
71. I love America, but I can't spend the whole year here. I can't afford the taxes.
-- Mick Jagger
72. Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even.
-- Will Rogers
73. If you get up early, work late, and pay your taxes, you will get ahead -- if you strike oil.
-- J. Paul Getty
74. If the IRS took 100 taxpayers at random and sent each an incorrect notice that they owed an extra $92.35 in taxes and interest, more than two-thirds would probably just send in a check without investigating further.
-- G. Guttman
75. The government deficit is the difference between the amount of money the government spends and the amount it has the nerve to collect.
-- Sam Ewing
76. [The Internal Revenue Code is] about 10 times the size of the Bible and, unlike the Bible, contains no good news."
-- Don Nickles
77. [The tax code] is a monstrosity and there's only one thing to do with it. Scrap it, kill it, drive a stake through its heart, bury it and hope it never rises again to terrorize the American people.
-- Steve Forbes
78. I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons.
-- Douglas Adams.
79. They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money.
-- Al Capone
80. I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside.
-- Ken Dodd
81. You know, thank God for the Inland Revenue. If it weren't for them, I'd be stinkin' Rich!
-- Robert Paul
82. I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?
-- Milton Berle
83. Taxation: how the sheep are shorn.
-- Edward Abbey quotes
84. The tax collector must love poor people, he's creating so many of them.
-- Bill Vaughan
85. Taxes are important. President Bush's tax proposals leave no rich person behind. Voters approve of President Bush helping the kind of people they wish they were one of.
-- Andy Rooney
86. Like mothers, taxes are often misunderstood, but seldom forgotten.
-- Lord Bramwell,
87. The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.
-- Arthur C. Clarke
88. [A tax loophole is] something that benefits the other guy. If it benefits you, it is tax reform.
-- Russell B. Long, U.S. Senator
89. Earlier today, the White House released President Bush's tax return. Not surprisingly, under dependents, the president listed Iraq.
-- Conan O'Brien
90. The term "tax humor" is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code.
-- John F. Iekel
91. A fool and his money are soon parted. It takes creative tax laws for the rest.
-- Bob Thaves
92. The question is: What can we, as citizens, do to reform our tax system? As you know, under our three-branch system of government, the tax laws are created by: Satan. But he works through the Congress, so that's where we must focus our efforts.
-- Dave Barry
93. If you are truly serious about preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract - teach him to deduct.
-- Fran Lebowitz
94. In general, the art of government consists in taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
-- Voltaire
95. Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled.
-- J. Danforth Quayle
96. The invention of the teenager was a mistake. Once you identify a period of life in which people get to stay out late but don't have to pay taxes naturally, no one wants to live any other way.
-- Judith Martin
97. Why can't Americans do their own taxes? Because the federal Tax Code is out of control, that's why. It's gigantic and insanely complex, and it gets worse all the time. Nobody has ever read the whole thing. IRS workers are afraid to go into the same ROOM with it.
-- Dave Barry
98. I have always paid income tax. I object only when it reaches a stage when I am threatened with having nothing left for my old age - which is due to start next Tuesday or Wednesday.
-- Noel Coward
99. I can give you 1040 good reasons why I hate the government.
-- Terri Guillemets
100. If a person is an economic being and figures out the odds, then there is a very high incentive to cheat. That is, of course, putting aside honor, duty and patriotism.
-- Jerome Kurtz
101. Tax reform is taking the taxes off things that have been taxed in the past and putting taxes on things that haven't been taxed before.
VIDEO WITH GARTH ON THE ELLEN SHOW THAT NEVER AIRED! >
THIS SONG WAS ONLY DONE FOR THE STUDIO AUDIENCE AND NEVER AIRED!
*****start poll*****
Poll: WHO'S HOTTER - CARRIE OR TAYLOR?
*****end poll*****
GOVERNMENT HEALTH WARNING
DO NOT SWALLOW YOUR CHEWING GUM
FIRST BIG SNOW:
Click Here to Listen
Neal’s Famous Harvest Stuffing Recipe:
· 1 Cup Shredded Carrot
· 1 Cup Chopped Celery
· ½ Cup Chopped Onion
· ½ Cup Butter or Margarine
· 1 Tsp Ground Sage or Poultry Seasoning
· ½ Tsp Salt
· ¼ Tsp Ground Cinnamon
· 8 Cups Dry Bread Cubes
· 2 Cups Finely Chopped, Peeled Apple
· ½ Cup Chopped Walnuts
· ¼ Cup Wheat Germ
· ½ to ¾ Cup Chicken Broth
In a skillet cook carrot, celery, and onion in butter or margarine till tender but not brown. Stir in sage or poltry seasoning salt, cinnamon, and 1/8 Tsp. pepper. In a large mixing bowl combine bread cubes, chopped apple, walnuts, and wheat germ. Add cooked vegetable mixture.
Drizzle with enough chicken broth to moisten, toss lightly. Use to stuff one 10-pound turkey. Makes 10 servings.
And the winner of Thanksgiving dinner with the Moynin Boys is...........
The Thelma Outman Family of Comstock Park! Thanks everyone for entering!
THE B-93 NEAL AND REESE EASTER EGG DROP!
WIN TICKETS TO THE SAND BAR
AT THE UPCOMING
KENNY CHESNEY SHOW!
THE WINNER WILL TRY TO CATCH AN EASTER EGG DROPPED FROM APPROXIMATELY 93 FEET. THE FIRST PERSON TO CATCH AN EGG WITHOUT IT BREAKING IS THE WINNER! IF NO ONE CATCHES AN EGG WITHOUT IT BREAKING, THE WINNER WILL BE SELECTED AT RANDOM FROM ALL THE CONTESTANTS! How can you catch an egg dropped from 93 feet without it breaking?
That’s up to you. Maybe you’ll try a box filled with cotton. Maybe you’ll try a bucket filled with whipped cream? Maybe you’ll even use your hands? Get creative! It can be done, and you might be the person who can do it!
© 2008